a bottle of Pinot Noir, a sad woman, and mucho, mucho maryjane

I don’t know if I believe in God. This is the second time I typed that statement. It didn’t go on the first time. I think I SHOULD believe in God. And I think that if I don’t believe in God then I might find myself someday sitting in front of him on Judgment Day and saying, Well, I always wondered but…..oops, my bad.”
We are trying to get pregnant. We have been trying for over 1 year now and nothing so far. I’m getting older and he’s even older.
Tonight I begged, no maybe prayed, that I would get pregnant.
Now I am sitting here in the dark, typing those words and I am ashamed and I wonder why I am thinking these thoughts and why I am even typing these words. I wonder if I will have the balls to post this. It’s not that I care who reads this (at one time in this journal shit I was VERY worried who read what I typed here….) but it’s now more how very private this is, how this is something deep that I think about but do not share with anyone. Why would I get out of bed and take the time to sit here and type this? Surely I would only do this, take this time, if I was going to post this. But I type, all the while wondering if I will really post this.
Do I believe in God? One True Being? One Almighty Power who has Ultimate Power and Control over my life?
Maybe it’s better to think that I am ultimately responsible for who and what I am. If I get cancer I must not be living my life healthily enough. If I get run over by a bus, shouldn’t I have not been walking in the street? We thank God, we blame God, we pray to God for anything and everything.
Like Babies.
Why do I think tonight he might be listening? Why will I not believe that it’s possible I am pregnant because it’s that time and I am fertile? Or why can’t I believe that I may NOT be pregnant because it is too late.

Rest Well, my old friend

This is a sad, sad day.
I had to put my 21 year old cat, Whisper to sleep last night.
She's the namesake for this page and my web page. She was my first cat and my true cat-love. I don't think I have ever been any sadder.
I've loved her with all my heart. She and I have been through so much together in our 21 years we shared. She has been with me no matter what else happened in my life. She loved me no matter what. I can't say that about any other being in my life. I will miss her more than I can express here.
Whisper, Sleep well, my friend. Say hello to Blaze and let him know all is ok with me. Now you are in a place where you are young, pain free and happy. You can run and play with Blaze and the others now. One day we will all meet up again.
I will miss you.

---

MY FOREVER PET

There's something missing in my home,

I feel it day and night,

I know it will take time and strength

before things feel quite right.

But just for now, I need to mourn,

My heart -- it needs to mend.

Though some may say, "It's just a pet,"

I know I've lost a friend.

You've brought such laughter to my home,

and richness to my days.

A constant friend through joy or loss

with gentle, loving ways.

Companion, friend, and confidante,

A friend I won't forget.

You'll live forever in my heart,

My sweet, forever pet.

-- Susanne Taylor

the one where I wax poetic about my boring job

I started out tonight just to tell you how bored I am at work. I am working an overnight at the clinic I used to work for full time and now it's almost 2:30 am and I HAVE to stay awake until 7 am when I can go home. All the furry critters are snoring away in their cages, happy to be zonked on pain medications, and I don't need to wake them up for at least another 1 1/2 hours for the morning medications, walk outside and breakfast.
I could clean.
Yeah, you see how I could be cleaning.
I am doing laundry, though.
And listening to the radio: Deanna Carter is singing "Strawberry Wine." I like the lyrics of it.
I don't want anyone to get the idea I am truly fucking off and don't care about my charges. I'm sitting in the middle of the treatment room where I can see all the sickest little guys. Two of them are on IV fluids so I have to keep close to keep an eye on them. Fortunately none of these guys are critical this evening and I only have 2 sick guys, 2 that had surgery today, 1 waiting for surgery tomorrow (broken leg), and 5 that are ready to go home tomorrow or boarding with us. I have had 2 calls since the Doctor went to bed at 12 midnight. One guy wanted to talk fleas. He has a cat who has never had fleas and he decided that he needed to forgo sleeping and call a vet clinic at midnight so he could talk about what kind of flea products he needs to buy. He asked if he could buy them at Walmart which makes me think that was where he was heading after he hung up with me. Geez. He must be super freaked about fleas if he has to go to Walmart at midnight to buy flea shampoo. The second call came just a few minutes ago. A vomiting puppy. She already took the bone and food away and she just wanted to be sure she didn't need to bring the puppy in to see us. She was nice.

So after I filled you in on my exciting night I realized that I have been blogging here for a year now. That's pretty cool. Time sure passes quickly.

I hope I don't make any spelling errors and if so I apologize. I am working without spell check. Hey. Why am I working without spell check? Where did it go?
Really no one cares.
I'm sleepy and cold.
I guess I am in the home stretch now though. It's 2:30 ish. I have 4 1/2 hours left. I have help coming at 5 am to get treatments done.

I had to stop and get growled at by a cat. Franklin is not happy right now and he won't let me touch him. But his fluid pump keeps beeping. Damn. I hope I fixed it.

I read US Magazine while I ate my dinner. Poor Mel Gibson, he's an alcoholic. Pam and Kid Rock got married in very tacky wedding attire. Nick isn't with Jessica anymore, he's with Vanessa. And I don't know why Tori was robbed of her inheritance. But I don't agree that Ryan Phillippe has a better body than Matthew McConaughey.
I threw out Mel for Matt.
Check it out!