a bottle of Pinot Noir, a sad woman, and mucho, mucho maryjane
I don’t know if I believe in God. This is the second time I typed that statement. It didn’t go on the first time. I think I SHOULD believe in God. And I think that if I don’t believe in God then I might find myself someday sitting in front of him on Judgment Day and saying, Well, I always wondered but…..oops, my bad.”
We are trying to get pregnant. We have been trying for over 1 year now and nothing so far. I’m getting older and he’s even older.
Tonight I begged, no maybe prayed, that I would get pregnant.
Now I am sitting here in the dark, typing those words and I am ashamed and I wonder why I am thinking these thoughts and why I am even typing these words. I wonder if I will have the balls to post this. It’s not that I care who reads this (at one time in this journal shit I was VERY worried who read what I typed here….) but it’s now more how very private this is, how this is something deep that I think about but do not share with anyone. Why would I get out of bed and take the time to sit here and type this? Surely I would only do this, take this time, if I was going to post this. But I type, all the while wondering if I will really post this.
Do I believe in God? One True Being? One Almighty Power who has Ultimate Power and Control over my life?
Maybe it’s better to think that I am ultimately responsible for who and what I am. If I get cancer I must not be living my life healthily enough. If I get run over by a bus, shouldn’t I have not been walking in the street? We thank God, we blame God, we pray to God for anything and everything.
Like Babies.
Why do I think tonight he might be listening? Why will I not believe that it’s possible I am pregnant because it’s that time and I am fertile? Or why can’t I believe that I may NOT be pregnant because it is too late.
posted by Whispercat @ 12:01 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I have an off topic question for you.
We recently adopted two puppies who are brother and sister and 12 weeks old. They both have the unpleasant habit of eating their and any other poop they can get their mouths on. We try to preempt this behavior but are not always successful
Any suggestions?
Hope you are well
C
Hey! I didn't know you left a message until I just posted again, so sorry! You can try sprinkling ADolph's meat tenderizer on the food or get a product at your vet called "Forbid" and sprinkle that on their food. I have had some help with that but sometimes it's behavior and getting them away from the poop (Pick it up, move them to another area) before they eat it and hopefully like house training they will learn and grow out of it.
Thanks Doc. I liked your last post. We try so hard to make it all work and still I feel like we are just getting by both emotionally and financially. It is hard for me to consider making a change with a child caught in the middle. I guess I will wake up one day and realize that I did the right thing or I didn't.
Are you still at the Back Porch? Maybe I will drop by sometime.
C
Hey! I guess you must get these replies so I will continue here! I think you ARE making the right decision. Sometimes you have to put aside things to make it work, especially when a child is involved. That's why I wonder if I am too selfish to be a parent. Some do, and some just wish and wonder.
I'm a bit drunk tonight, decided to stay after work for a few beers and I don't do it very often anymore so I hope I make sense. (and that I am spelling things right....)
Yes, I'm still at the Porch. We will close for the season right after Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to a four month vacation, yet I find I am already planning too much to get done in so short a time! Come by to say hello!
K
I hope for a child for you. I can feel how much you want to share your love with a smaller version of yourself. Don't worry about your selfish side. Children have a way of making themselves first. Not in a bad way. In a way that makes sense at the very core of your soul.
I am a bit hung over this morning and not cleaning my kitchen. Adam has a football game today in Portland. He is 10 and plays for the Titans. They are 1 and 4. Sounds dissapointing but it is not. He and his mates have really improved over the last couple of months. Most of the kids on his team are first year players like Adam.
Do you see any of the Pelican gang around? Jill moved back and is working for PAISD. I hear that T is back with Guy.
Thanks for the words. I feel naughty writing to you but it makes me feel good.
C
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