Lately, all I ever do here is whine.
Although I haven't been very satisfied with the way my life is and I know that I either need to live with it or change it (and quit whining about it) because it doesn't make it any easier to live with
it while I don't know what the hell to do with
it.
Some part of me shrieks it's time to grow the fuck up, grow some balls, suck it up and realize that there is not just one perfect job, one perfect man and one perfect life. But the little girl in me is screaming, "Don't settle for half ass and sell your life short and totally mind-numbing! Don't stop looking and just settle until you HAVE found the perfect job, the perfect man and the perfect life."
So who do I listen to? The Pretty Pink Princess in me still wants to believe in fairy tales and happy endings. She doesn't want to give up on that pink fluffy dream. But the Somber Serious Adult in me is disdainfully sneering at Princess and haughtily stating, "You're almost 40, divorced with no children, you keep going back and forth between two totally unsuitable careers because you don't think you are suited to do anything else, and living with a man who after 2 years is not so sure he wants any more kids, and talks about getting married "as soon as we have some money."
My life isn't so easily trussed up as I wrote in that last short sentence.
Really.
I have a great guy (sometimes) who has some great traits and some almost equally irritating and maddening I-want-to-kill-him bad traits.
(what...
you don't?)
It's funny how after writing the above criticism about my relationship I felt the overwhelming need to justify why I am actually IN the relationship. If it was so easy that I could work it out here then I wouldn't be talking about it and I would be living it, I guess.
I could spend the next year here doing a pros and cons "list" to try and put some perspective on my relationship but day to day it would vary according to my mood and what he did/didn't say or do.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what Pretty Pink Princess is trying to tell me. So I try to match that with my current relationship and sometimes my past relationships also. I wonder mostly if I keep running away from relationships because they aren't truly "the right one" or because when they start to get hard I don't want to play anymore.
Tiresome.
Lackluster.
Unexciting.
Monotonous.
Repetitive.
Wearisome.
Humdrum.
Uninspiring.
Some words that seemed to call to me today.
Let's see....I
AM almost 40 so having a child is quickly becoming a fluffy dream for me and one of the dreams I kept putting off because I was too busy having fun/not enough money/working/didn't have anyone who wanted them at the same time also. [insert any of the choices] Marriage is another sack of stones and I am not sure I am ready, willing or wanting to give up my name again. Somehow I always find myself lost. and lonely.
[rant coming and I can't help it......]
It's Saturday night. 7 pm. I am alone in the house with a 17 year old who is sequestered in his room playing boom-boom music and playing shoot-um-up games on the computer. When the hell did I sign up for this life? Did someone slip a mickey in my drink when I wasn't looking, laughing about the cruel trick they are playing on me? I wanted a child but I never signed up to get an instant teenager, especially a BOY! It's crazy. I work my ass off and I am 1/2 supporting a teenager and NO ONE in this house treats me like I do. I am treated like a stranger who pays rent. and cooks. The 17 year old actually griped at me yesterday when he came home from lunch and the breakfast dishes were still in the sink. How much money does he make to pay the bills? When he does, then he can critique my cleaning skills.
