the one where I cry some more

He went too far, pushed too many buttons. And he wonders why he looks like the “bad guy”. I told him I wanted to talk it out. He didn’t want to. Now 5 days later he wants to issue an ultimatum and put it behind us and go on like it never happened. After I cried and was miserable for 3 days. The thing I dread the most is I am sure it will happen again. I don’t always think clearly when I am angry and I will yell if you get me upset enough. Why am I expected to go thru this relationship watching my p’s and q’s and he can go along not having to worry about anything? I don’t want to move. It would be so much easier to stay right now. But then will I be faced with this down the road? I have to remember my promise to myself that I wouldn’t keep myself in any relationship where I was unhappy. I see myself doing exactly that right now. I’m not happy; things are not going to change, so I should move on.
But it’s not as simple as that. It never is when love is involved.

and.....

....you know what the worst part is?
He not only doesn’t care, but he actually seems happier.

the one where the feelings of moving apart come crashing back

You do remember how this feels. How your stomach is in knots and you feel all stupid tingly? (In not a good way) How you just want to scream one minute and cry the next? One minute you are pissed off, blaming him and looking in the classified for a new place to live, then in the next minute you are weepy, thinking it’s all your fault, you can’t be with anyone and if you keep on this path you will be a bitter old woman just like your Mother but without kids to blame.
I’m looking in the classified for a new place to live. And I want to cry.

tats again?

I think I will get a tattoo for my 40th b-day. It’s been something I have been mulling over for years now but just haven’t had the guts (and the right tat) to do it. I really want to do something different to mark my 40th year, it seems fitting.
I did some research and I am thinking about this sign only outlined in black and colored purple.



It's a fitting sign for me and I can't seem to find a seagoat I like that looks good without a lot of detail, since the tat is going to be small.

Now I just have to get up the courage to get it done.

the one where birthdays suck no matter whether they are yours or someone else's

I want my loved ones and family to make a big fuss over my birthday and he doesn’t even want to talk about or have anyone talk about his birthday. It’s not because he’s getting older. That doesn’t bother him…..much. He has issues with birthdays stemming from his early years. I didn’t think I was making a big deal about his birthday on Sunday, but I did buy him a present (which he doesn’t want) and I was going to cook him his choice for dinner (which he doesn’t want) and I was going to spend the day doing whatever he wanted to do (which now he is working). We just got in a huge clash about this Sunday. I guess I shouldn’t say another word about his birthday, make plans to do something else and give him his present, not wrapped, another day. I also know this means if I want a birthday party planned for my 40th I should do it myself.
Boy doesn’t that make me sound like “it’s all about me?”

extreme anxiety

Some days I just want to pack all my shit and run away from home. Other days everything is just great, normal really, and it is just like nothing is wrong at all. I should have guessed something was wrong months ago, well maybe even longer if I spent enough time thinking about it. But I don’t want to spend time thinking about it. I just know. The mood swings are the worst. For the longest time I blamed myself. I spent a lot of time thinking maybe I’m not “relationship-type” material and that it was me that “couldn’t get along.” Now I am starting to see that it isn’t me.
Of course, we can’t talk about it. He won’t. I’ve tried. Well, I haven’t pushed very hard. That’s typical me, though. Why rock the boat if quiet-desperation hangs so heavy in the air? Yeah, I spend most of my life thinking burying your head in the sand makes life easier. Shut up. It does.
He’s not happy. I can’t make him happy. I can’t fix this and I am afraid it’s going to blow us apart because he thinks he would be better off alone.
I wonder if he is hanging on because of Ryan, who will be out on his own within the next 3 to 4 years. Ryan will then be taking care of himself and P won’t have the excuse to worry about him anymore. He’s worried for him for so many years now I don’t even know what he’s going to do when Ryan doesn’t need him anymore. I mean, I know they will continue to be best buds but even I can see a chasm that seems to widen ever so slightly sometimes daily as Ryan becomes more and more independent.
He’s pulled away from us both. I don’t think Ryan sees it so much since he is so immersed in living his young life. He should be. He’s right on the edge of started his adult life. He’s got a smooth clean white slate all ready in position, just waiting for life to come at him with all different kinds of markers. Some will wipe off and clean away, never to be remembered again and he will move on. Some will be permanent and hopefully fade over the years as he comes to term with life and moves on.

It’s interesting that I haven’t had a panic attack, well any sort of full blown attack, since I quit the clinic. It really is so much a nicer job when you can’t and don’t take home all the work worries with you. Bartending is like that. There will always be drunks, but even drunks can be nice. I’m glad I got back in line with the drunks.













oh, yeah. He's going to be playing at my bar Saturday night. I'm thinking about trying to stay up late to check him out. A lot of people like him.