The one where I am drunk and stupid

Yeah, I'm drunk. Maybe stupid. Well....Probably both. I know I can't type. It's a hunt and peck system at it's finest. I had a fun night. I miss hanging out with the PC crowd. I was relaxed and I had fun. Mandye was a blast. I miss that atmosphere. Wow. I can spell atmosphere. I rock. Damn. Where the fuck did the cursor go?
It was old home week, Mandye, Keith, Tony, Lolo...new faces. Funny that a girl who only worked at the PC for 4 months has such loyalty to Guy. I guess he instills it but then somehow fucks it up later. She will see. They all do. Some (well, most) go back but all see the light. I miss the companionship. When I have an ungodly, horrible, shit for life day now I can just go home and vent on Pete. He has no idea and just makes the "Oh so sorry for you, your job is tough" sounds. Before, I had the comrades, the co-workers, to go, have a beer and bitch. I miss that. Do I miss it enough to kiss ass and go back to PC? Puffy Nipples said tonight that Tony was the highest paid bartender in town. Either Tony is talking shit (which he does on a regular basis) or it's true. I was always an easy target. Walk all over me since I don't have a lot of self confidence in my work ability. Damn, I don't have self confidence in anything. I just talk a good game.
Somehow I have to figure out what is making me unhappy in my life and fix it quick.
Pete is so sad. J was sad. I don't know how to fix it. Maybe it's me. I make them sad. Divorce fixed J. He's happy now. Maybe I was meant to be alone and a crazy cat lady forever. I'll be lonely but not unhappy so maybe that is the best life has to offer. Some how that doesn't seem right. Somewhere, some place, I have a place I fit in.
Ryan just came out. He teased me about being drunk, but he knows I was at Neptune's so that is a given.
Is this the place I was meant to be? Or am I marking time for another place and time? Damn, if I am just marking time and I am 38 when does life truly start?
I'm not ready for a baby but have a 17 year old I take care of. I wish Pete would recognize that Ryan does put a strain on our financial situation. He is sad that we work so hard and NEVER have anything to show, always behind, always adding things that we need to the never ending list that needs money to make happen. I don't wish Ryan anywhere else. I am happy he can be happy and actually make a good life for himself by living with us. But we never talked about the extra income it would take to raise a 17 year old who needs shoes, clothes and money to get thru school. I shutter to think how much his extracurricular activities will cost us this year. I want him to be happy and do well. I just wish Pete would acknowledge that it takes me to also make that happen.